11:00: Well, my soap opera comes on. Have I told y'all about this? You see, when I was very young, my mom watched The Price is Right and Young and the Restless. These are CBS morning shows. At some point, I started watching it with her, and I still watch it. I blame her for this obsession, and she blames me for Keeping up with the Kardashians. I think that's a fair assessment. Anyway, all I know how to do on a day like this is try to be "normal". That includes watching my normal shows. But how do I feel? A little nauseated. I slept well. I had no problem falling asleep, and I am thankful for that. I am checking my social media periodically, but I haven't been on the Bar Examiners' website yet. I have received several reassuring, sweet messages from friends. It means a lot to know people are thinking of me, but it also makes me all the more nervous. I have eaten breakfast, and I am waiting for a phone call from Emily Blaiss with the results. I have no idea when to expect them, which adds to the anxiety.
I'll update you at noon. In the meantime, here is a picture/memory of bar prep:
12:00: Hey again. Anxiety has not subsided. I am actually experiencing heartburn. I keep flashing back to the essays I screwed up and the terrible multiple choice results I had during prep. Of course, I failed, I think to myself, unable to find the silver-lining. Fingers crossed as I watch last night's Project Runway.
1:00: Ugh. Still nothing. The rumor mill is in full force on Facebook, and the consensus is that it will be out mid-to-late afternoon. Like good law graduates, people followed up and investigated what that means. 3:00 - 5:00 is the thinking. So, what am I doing now that I have run out of shows? [Glee failed to record yesterday...] I am about to take my dog on a long walk. I can zen out on walks. It will also be nice to get some exercise considering I just ate cheese and bites of 6-day-old cake for lunch.
2:00: You guessed it, still waiting. The good news is that I worked off a bit of anxiety by subjecting my dog to an Olympic-caliber dog walk. It totaled about 40 minutes. There seems to be a lull in the social media world. I feel that, in this lull will come news. And soon. I did hear from my dad, and they are on the plane heading back home from Jamaica. I would love to be able to deliver good news to them. There have been so many great, reassuring voices throughout this experience. They say things like, "I have all the confidence in the world that you passed." It's nice when others have the confidence that I so obviously lack in situations such as these.
2:22 THE NEXT DAY: That can't be good, right? Well, if any of you follow me on Facebook or checked the entire roster of law students, you already know that I did not pass the bar exam. However, as promised (and as Queen Over-sharer), I am chronicling that experience as well. This is how it happened. I saw someone on Facebook mention that the results were online. So, I texted Emily and told her to look. Her response to me was, "I think you should take a look." That could mean anything, so I didn't overthink it. After all, when you pass, there is nothing quite like seeing for yourself, right? After spending entirely too long determining that "Holtz" is not "Holt", it hit me. As you can imagine, it wasn't pretty. In a few words: embarrassing. disappointing. defeating. I knew for a while that it was a distinct possibility that I would fail. It wasn't because I didn't finish the exam or freaked out in the middle of it. Truthfully, having worked as hard as I did, I am eager to see what went wrong. I believe they'll send me a breakdown of the score. I joked that if I failed that I would blame Diabetes, but I am not going to pull that card. It wasn't a direct issue for me during Bar Prep in that it stayed in control. Whether it was a subconscious hardship, I will never know. Sure, I wanted to be able to tell the story that I was diagnosed in April, graduated law school in May, studied until July, and passed in October. So, that's not going to be the story...big deal. I'm not one for excuses. It is what it is, and it is time to decide where to go from here. It's time to write a new chapter.
I don't have to decide this minute. Thank Goodness. But I do need to do some soul-searching and answer some big questions. The first one to knock out is do I want to do this again? There is another exam in February for which I could sit. Honestly, if i do decide to do that, it will be to prove to myself that I can do it. The thought, "oh crap! now, i can't practice law!" never crossed my mind when I learned I didn't pass. I loved law school. I'd probably do it all over again, but I never developed a desire to practice law. In fact, the whole time I have been waiting for results, I have been cultivating other interests. There are plenty of things I could do and be happy. It is a matter of assessing the situation, making executive decisions, and accomplishing the goal. So, I'm thinking of it like this - what would make me happy? what do I need to do to get there? [school? certificate?] I do know a few things. I'll be okay whatever I do. At the end of the day, I won't care about hours billed or salaries earned. I hope to maintain quality time with family and friends. I hope to maintain a healthy relationship with Diabetes and my overall health. Finally, I hope to find a career that feels like a great fit. Confidence is not my strong suit these days, but I am confident I'll find my way.
[Note: I was very tempted to erase this post immediately after "The Big News", but I am hoping that, as time passes, I'll be glad I shared the story...not just for myself, but for anyone who has gone through similar setbacks. I'll gladly put my ego on the line for that.]
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