Faith and Fighting Diabetes

I am always a bit hesitant to blog about religious things, isn't that sad? My intention is never to alienate the readers, but I wouldn't be giving an honest account of my Diabetic journey without mentioning it. Usually, you hear that when people encounter hardship and adversity, they become more dependent on God and turn to Him in prayer. I will admit to you right now that I have not done that. And, today, I went on a short run, without my music, really to reflect on the state of my spirituality. After I was diagnosed, I didn't make a conscious choice to put my faith on the back-burner, but I have a few guesses as to how it happened. I don't recall a moment when I was angry with God over the diagnosis. Sure, I had  moments when I resented by body for "betraying" me. Maybe that was my own way of expressing anger at that over which I had no control. Maybe I was lashing out at God passive-aggressively. I'd like to think that was not the case, but I'm not sure that would be the honest truth. In addition, ever since I was in the hospital learning tips and techniques to manage Diabetes, everyone emphasized that it is up to me to take care of myself. Sure, I have a Diabetes Team of medical experts, but the day-to-day grind is up to me. I have to count correctly, dose correctly, make sure it is safe to exercise, make sure I don't go too low or too high. I have to check my feet. I have to check my blood sugar. Oh, and the people who do poorly with Diabetes, "they didn't take care of themselves". Whether I acknowledge it every day or not, that is an awful lot of pressure. So, I think the only way I knew how to deal with Diabetes is with a selfish mindset. If I do well today, go me. If I miss the mark today, shame on me. The idea is that this is MY disease to manage...but is it?

Don't get me wrong, most days it really does feel like a science that I am perfectly capable of mastering. I love those small victories. Those are the days when I don't feel stress. Any byproduct of stress that may be  occurring due to the Bar, Diabetes, exercise, etc. is placed in a temporary waste pile. But like most waste piles, they eventually mount to something toxic. And just when you are experiencing a vulnerable day, it all comes tumbling back into your life. So, while I don't feel stressed out every day, having Diabetes, by definition, is stressful. So, when I have days when I feel under the weather or can't explain why I feel sluggish, it wears on me. Maybe it's the Diabetes. Maybe it isn't. Maybe it's the stress. Maybe it isn't. But I do know this - while I think I have a handle on this, it is much bigger than I. It is far too broad to rest on my shoulders alone. I can only speak for myself here, but Diabetes cannot be managed without faith that my life, health, and safety are not truly my own. Faith mitigates worry, and worry is toxic to the body + soul. I know this. I've always known this. But, it can be very easy to try to manage "your disease" on your own.

While I'm thinking about it, the spiritual journey and Diabetic management are not all that different. What?  I'll explain. One of the first bits of advice I received from people once I was diagnosed was, "Diabetes is about a journey, not a destination." That can be a tough pill to swallow. It means that there isn't going to come a time when my pancreas works and everything is perfect. No. Instead, it is about the small, incremental victories that occur when you manage your Diabetes in such a way to enhance your quantity of years and quality of life. Each day, I start from scratch and resolve to do my best. But, I'm human. I miss the mark sometimes. Sometimes I can point to a reason, and sometimes I cannot. Faith operates similarly, wouldn't you agree? It is about the journey, not the destination (well, in this life anyway). We are never going to be perfect Christians. That is inherent in our humanity. We sin. We are never not going to sin. So, instead, we resolve each day to do our best. Those small daily victories are what amount to a good quality of life. It's so basic, isn't it? Quality of life isn't measured by pocketbooks and status. Quality of life is measured by health, happiness, and love for one another. My Diabetes is unique to me. My faith is unique to me. My Diabetes may not look like your friend's Diabetes. My faith may not look like yours. That's okay.

So, today, my small victory will be that I resolve to let God shoulder the burden for me. I will remember that this Disease can often feel bigger than I am - the stress of keeping it in control + the constant wonder if every little twinge of my body feeling funky is related to Diabetes + the guilt I feel over the fact that my husband, family, and friends have to worry constantly about my physical, mental, and emotional well being. I can't do it all. They can't do it all for me. So, as with Diabetes, I need to nurture my faith. Faith, intangible and mysterious in all its aspects, is the only thing that can rival the mystery that is Diabetes. That is one weapon I like having in my arsenal.